The unknown is so worrisome.

I've jumped way ahead...to today, Monday, September 16, 2013.  For the past few weeks Mike's rash has been getting worse, and lately it's worsening daily.  I noticed today that it's on his neck and moving towards his face.  He is worried and thinks the cancer is taking over his body.  As always, I've researched and read all I can about the rash associated with CLL and there is not much information on it.  A blog I found yesterday by David Arenson scared me, as Mr. Arenson mentioned that he was worried that his rash was 'skin infiltration' by the cancer.  In his case, it wasn't.  I've looked up info on skin infiltration and just am not finding much, but what I see is not frightening.  I tried to reassure Mike that it's just a rash and I'm finding nothing negative about it.  He is also worried about his left nipple pain. He has several new lumps on his upper abdomen, too.  Honestly, all of this worries me, too, but I have to stay strong and put up a good front for him.  He has an appointment at The OSU James Cancer Clinic this Wednesday and we both are looking forward to hopefully getting our questions answered.

I'm back at the point where I'm scared.  I'm thinking the worse.  That's why I'm writing here, trying to get those emotions spoken and out of me.  I think of our boys going through what I went through when my mom was dying.  It was hell.  I would rather go through it ten times over then have my boys experience one minute of that pain.  To me, they're still babies, although David will be 24 next week and Max is 22, and much too young to lose their dad.  I wish we had had them when we were 20, instead of 40, so we would have had 20 more years with them.

Max feels very cheated by our age difference because he doesn't want to lose us faster then his friends.  For some reason, he verbally reassures himself when he names three of his friends that have parents near our age, too.  David keeps his feelings to himself, but he and his Dad do everything together.  Mike is trying to spend more time in Dublin with Max because he misses seeing him so much.